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Hi! I'm Danielle, and I'm 17 years old. I live in Canada, and I'm recovering from low self esteem and anxiety. I love reading, tea, and my cat is my best friend. I'm also a vegetarian. You are beautiful and you are loved. There is always hope.. Also if you need advice or just want to talk I'm here for everyone. Nothing on this blog is triggering. Some of the pages on my blog will redirect you to websites that are helpful. "I wish you could see what I see in you <3"
Stay Positive
A story I wrote - The Scars Of Life (Warning: Could be triggering. Please read with caution if you’ve had problems with alcohol, self harm, or get suicidal thoughts)


The Scars Of Life written by Danielle Vernon

Welcome To My Life


Scars, they run deep.  That’s what my life is and always will be… just a bunch of scars. Not in the sense of physical hurt, just it’s as if my life is like a shadow or a scar. I’m like a ghost. No one can see me, and no one can touch me. Yet, I’m an emotional wreck. I’m invisible, and it’s all ‘his’ fault. It’s every body’s fault. The day I found out I was moving was the second worst day of my life. It would drastically change everything. My name is Ella Thomas.  I’m sixteen, going on seventeen in two months. This is my life… I guess.



Life Can Be Hell Too


My dad had just gotten home from work. He’s a prison guard. It scares me how many people are rapists, and burglars, and all that crap! I once had to come to the prison after school, and I was scared to go to bed for a month. I’m never going to that hell of a place again.

My dad’s name is George Thomas; I’m changing my last name as soon as I turn 21 because I dislike my dad. I call him George though, not dad. He will never be a dad to me. When I was five years old my brother, Sam who’s 26 now, was looking after me. My mom, Elizabeth and George were out on a date. George had drank too much and was driving home with my mom. He went through a red light and a massive truck slid right into them. My mom and George had to go straight to the hospital. They were doing fine, and it was almost time for them to go home, when my mom’s body just suddenly gave up. It collapsed. She just died…she died. It wasn’t fair how George, who was supposed to be my dad, killed my mom. He took the woman’s life who he said he was in love with, yet he survived. That’s when he started drinking heavily. Now he’s a heavy alcoholic. It’s strange how he took my mom’s life away, yet he works at a prison. He should be in that prison.

The Day That Changed Everything


“Ella! Come here! I have something to tell you!” George drunkenly slurs these words out.

I run down the stairs with my cell phone in hand. “What? I’m on the phone!”

“Well get off!”

“Fine!”

“Look, I’ve gotta go,” I say to my best friend Katie.

“Fine…but call me later, okay?” she says with a sad voice.

“Okay, bye”

“What do you want George?” I say slightly annoyed.

“We’re moving to Seattle next month. I got a new job,” George says nonchalantly.

Those words still echo in my mind. They are as fresh as freshly fallen snow.

When I was younger we used to move around all the time. George kept getting new jobs and so we moved, and moved, and moved.  It wasn’t such a big deal at that time because when you’re younger you can easily make friends. Everybody plays with everybody and there’s no judging or stereotypes, but when you’re older everybody judges and there’s stereotypes. If you’re Goth, you hang out with the Goth’s. If you’re a Prep, you hang out with the Preps and so on.  I hate labels. That’s one of the things I hate the most. It makes me so mad.

The only real friend I ever had is Katie. Everybody else just gets on my nerves, and I’m terribly shy. Katie is one of the only people I actually feel comfortable around. I can be my total self around her, and she doesn’t judge me. With moving she wouldn’t have any friends and neither would I. We would be like the school loners, who just blend in with the walls. It’s not their fault they’re loners.

So, I guess this is it. I’m moving, and there’s nothing I can do about it. If I try to do anything, George would just hit me again. I used to think the abuse was normal. I used to think every body’s parents hit them. I was sadly mistaken. One time George hit me so bad I had a bruise for two months. I felt like calling for help, but George threatened me if I told anyone I would regret it. I don’t want to find out how I would regret it.

Moving Day


“I guess this is it,” I say to Katie. We both start crying.

“Please don’t move Ella! I don’t know what I’m going to do without you!” Katie says in tears.

“It’s going to be-”

George interrupts, “Ella! Let’s go!”

I’m so sorry,” I whisper.

I get in the car with tears in my eyes. We’re on our way to Seattle now. It’s like a dream, not a good dream but a nightmare. I start shaking, tears running down my eyes. “Is this real?” I ask myself. “Am I really moving to Seattle?”

I look out the window to calm myself, trees racing by. I put my headphones on, drown myself with music, pull out my sketchbook, and start to draw.

Seattle


It’s been four days since I arrived in Seattle. I feel so confused and broken. School is starting in a week…..just one week. I’m dreading the day. I miss Katie so much. I wish she were here now. I’ve been crying myself to sleep every night.

I decide to take a walk to calm my nerves. Seattle is so huge! I don’t like huge cities. I like small one’s better. They’re less busy, less packed with people, less stressful. I walk to a park to draw. I love drawing. I’ve loved drawing ever since Katie introduced how much fun it can be!

I see a guy sitting by a tree listening to music. As much as I hate stereotypes,  he looks like the stereotypical Prep; polo shirt and jeans. He looks at me, and we exchange awkward glances. He looks in my eyes for a little too long, and I forget what I’m doing. I make it really awkward by quickly looking away. There was something about his eyes.
Something about them seemed welcoming and friendly; like there’s more to him than just a pretty face.


I See Him Again


School started five days ago. Just five. It seems like it’s been decades, centuries, millenniums. I’m Stuck in a stupid school, with stupid teachers, and stupid classes for two more years with  2000 other people my age.

The only classes I’m enjoying right now are Art and English, because I’m good at them. I would be enjoying them a lot more if Katie were here.  I’m failing Math terribly. Math is my worst subject. It hurts my brain, and I see no point in it. I don’t think Math is even necessary. However, if I want to become a writer and an artist when I grow up, I need university, and needing university is needing Math. I sigh.

I’m in Math class right now zoning out. For some reason my head keeps going back to the day when I was at the park and saw that guy. It was an awkward intense moment. I don’t know why I’m still thinking about it. I should just forget about it, but I can’t.

“You have a new student. His name is Michael Davis. He will be joining you. He needs someone to show him around the school. He was home schooled for his whole life, so be nice to him!” the principal says, while walking in the door with a new student. I look up.

Oh. My. God.

That’s the guy I saw at the park!! It couldn’t be.. but it is!! I know it is! My hearts speeding. It’s beating a hundred miles a minute, and I don’t even know why. It’s not like I like him. I don’t even know him. Plus, ever since my dad killed my mom, I stopped believing in love.

Mr. Sanders, my Math teacher, says, “Welcome Michael! I’m sure someone will be willing to help show you around. Who wants to show Michael around for a few days?”

I shoot my hand up. Why’d I do that? Why is my hand up? Put it down…….put it down. You’re shy. Remember? Terribly shy. You can’t talk to him. It won’t go down.  My hand won’t budge.
Michael, I guess that’s what I should call him now that I know his name, looks at me with his deep green eyes and takes a seat beside me.

“Hey,” he says with a smile and kind eyes.

All I need to say is hi. Why won’t the words come out?? I can’t move my mouth.

I let out a faint moan and finally let out a weak, “hey,” with an awkward smile.

The Invitation


For the next few days I show Michael around the school. I also made a few new friends who are girls. I’ve mostly been hanging out with Michael, but sometimes I hung out with Jessica, Ashley, Emily, Samantha, and Sarah.

“Hey, Ella. Um…….I have a question…….um…….do you maybe wanna go to the dance with me on Friday?” he asks with his face turning into a tomato; it’s so red.

“Oh…….um…….I would, but I don’t believe in love,” I say.

He looks down at his feet swaying from side to side nervously and says, “We could just go as friends.”

“Well, okay…….I guess, but, only friends, okay?”

“Okay, cool! I’ll pick you up at 7,” he smiles.

“Okay.”

Guys have asked me out before. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a total recluse but with Michael it’s different. It feels almost like I should have said yes to him. I can’t date him though. I don’t believe in love. Even though it’s just as friends, I feel so nervous about it.

I call Katie the night before the dance to figure out what I’m going to wear.

Katie answers the phone, and I say, “Hey!! OMG So I made 6 new friends, one of which is a guy named Michael. My friend Michael invited me to go to a dance with him just as friends, and I need help with what I’ll be wearing to the dance.”

Katie says, “Hey……..that’s um…….great. I think you should wear that pretty white lace dress and your cowboy boots that you wore at the dance last year.” There’s something in her voice that doesn’t really sound quite right, but I let it slide.

“I would,……..but I already wore them, and in Seattle they don’t really dress like that. Maybe I’ll get my friend Jessica to help me with my outfit. She’s really good with style,” I reply.

She says, “Oh…….okay.”

I say, “Well, I’m sorry we can’t talk for longer, but I really need to call Jessica to get some suggestions of what I should wear.”

“k……..bye,” she says.

“Bye!”

I call Jessica and ask, “Hey Jessica. I need some suggestions of what I should wear for the dance. Do you have any?”

“Well…….it should be sort and low cut,” she says.

“It should?” I ask.

“Yea, that’s what every girl wears to the dances here,” she explains.

“Oh, well can you help me find a dress then?” I ask.

“Sure! I’d love to help! I’ll be at your house in 15 and we’ll go to the mall! It’ll be fun! Oh, can I bring Ashley?”

“Okay, see you then! Yea, sure you can bring Ashley! Sounds like fun!”

Fifteen minutes, actually more like 20 minutes later, Jessica and Ashley arrived at my house, and we drove to the mall.

“What store should we go to?” I ask.

“We should go to Bebe!” Ashley suggests.

“Okay! They have cute clothes! Let’s go!” agrees Jessica.

Arriving at the store, I see all these fancy, very expensive, low cut outfits. They don’t have stores like this in my old city, well, town.

Jessica and Ashley start rustling through all of the clothing racks in search of the perfect outfits for the dance. This may sound silly, but I’ve never been shopping with friends before. I didn’t need to. In my old town fashion didn’t matter as much.

Jessica finds a black, really low cut dress that ends at the butt. “Oh my gosh! You should try this on Ella!”

“It needs to be that low cut?” I ask.

“Well, it doesn’t need to be, but all the girls wear dresses like this at the dance, so you wouldn’t fit in if it wasn’t,” Ashley answers.

“Oh…….okay…….I guess I’ll try it on,” I say a little unsure.

“Okay! Oh, and tomorrow before the dance I can come over and do your hair and makeup,” Ashley offers.

“Alright, that’d be nice!” I say with a smile.

I try the dress on. It feels so weird. I’ve never worn a dress like this in my life, and in my old town this is the last thing I wouldn’t be caught dead in. If I bend down people will be able to see my underwear! But apparently all of the girls wear dresses like this….

“Wow, that looks great on you! You have to get it!” Jessica shouts excitedly.

“Are you sure?” I ask.

“Yes! Definitely!” Ashley shouts.

“Okay, I’ll get it,” I say decidedly.

The Dance


A few hours before the dance Ashley came over to help me with my hair and makeup. “Okay. I just wanted to say thank you so much for letting me help you with your hair and makeup. I want to be a makeup artist when I grow up. The more experience I can get the better!”

“No problem! I need someone to help me anyway, and I know you’re good! Your hair and makeup always look perfect on you!” I say.

“Aw thanks, Ella!” she replies with a smile.

She does really smoky dramatic eye makeup and a deep red lipstick. Then she curls my hair and puts it in an updo.

“I think I’m done. How do you like it?” she asks.

I look in the mirror in amazement. I look different! That’s for sure! I look gorgeous!

“Wow, thank you so much Ashley! I love it!” I answer.

“Oh, that’s great! I’m so happy you love it!” she says.

I slip on my flats, grab my purse, and wait for Michael to pick me up.

About 10 minutes later Michael arrived at the door. My dad answered, “Who are you? I don’t have money.”

Michael said “I’m here to pick your daughter up. My name’s Michael. If it helps, we’re just friends.”

I run down the stairs, afraid to have Michael see my dad the way he is for too long. “Hey, Michael. Let’s go! Bye dad! I’ll be home at 12!”

Once I slam the door on my dads face, Michael looks at me. He says, “Wow, Ella, you look so different! I thought you’d be wearing something a little more simple. A little more Ella. You know. This outfit is pretty, but it isn’t you.”

“How do you know what’s me?” I ask.

“I don’t know. I just thought you wouldn’t wear such tight revealing clothes.” he answers.

“Don’t you like my outfit?”

“Yea, I definitely like it.  I’m a guy. I like boobs,” he says.

I blush.

Then I look up at him. I really look at him. He is the most gorgeous guy I’ve ever seen. He has dark brown wavy hair that’s a little messy but perfect; dark forest green eyes with hints of light blue centering them.  He’s tall and skinny and perfect. No, this can’t be happening. I can’t be attracted to him, because we’re supposed to be just friends. If I’m attracted to him, I’ll start liking him. I can’t like him because I don’t believe in love.

He looks down at me, and in that moment I long to kiss him; but I can’t. I can’t risk it. I don’t believe in love. Love always ends in tragedy. I know this because my parents love ended in tragedy.

“Ella? Ella, are you okay?” he asks with a worried hint in his voice.

“What? Oh, yea. Sorry. I’m fine,” I mutter coming out of my zoned out self.

We walk to his car. He drives us to the dance, opens the car door for me, and says, “My lady,” and laughs. He gently holds my hand as I step out of the car.

“Why thank you young man,”  I giggle.

“I love your laugh,” Michael says.

“Thanks.” I smile.

“and your smile,” he adds.

“Aw thanks!” I respond.

“No problem!” he says with a smile.

“I love your smile too,”  I say.

We walk into the dance together. I look at everyone and notice that only a small percentage of girls actually are wearing short low cut dresses. I’ll know that now for the next dance. I should have taken Katie’s advice.

I see Jessica, Ashley, Emily, Samantha, and Sarah all grinding with some guys. We walk over to them and Emily says, “Hey Ella! Hey Michael! Dance with us!”

We both look at each other with an I’ve never grinded before look. We look at everyone else and see what they’re doing. It’s really weird dancing. I wouldn’t even call it dancing. Dancing is supposed to have movement and flow, but this is just basically a guy humping the girl from behind with their clothes on. Is that dancing? What has this world come to? It’s really awkward too. I don’t want to grind with someone who’s just my friend, even if I did like him. But I don’t like him because I don’t believe in love.

Before I could say anything, Michael nervously says, “Okay.”

What? Why did he say okay? Why did he agree to that? I thought we were in agreement through brain telecommunication. I guess this is it. I guess I’m grinding with Michael.

Before we could start, some guys came up to us and announced, “Hey! Party out in the back field! Let’s go!”

I didn’t really want to go. I was just about to say “no” when Samatha interrupted, “Come on Ella and Michael! Aren’t you coming?”

“Yeah, I…….um…….guess so…….” I say. Michael and I both look at each other with an unsure look, but we follow them into the back field anyway.
We see about 10 more people out in the back field all drinking beer and acting really rowdy like drunk people act. I hate it. I despise it. That’s how my mom was killed. That’s what my dad is. An alcoholic. I can’t stand it, but I’m also not good with expressing my feelings. I can’t tell everyone I don’t like drinking and want to go inside. I just want to fit in for once in my life.

A guy named Randy hands me a beer and says, “Here Ella!”

I don’t know what to do. Ah…….my heart is pounding. I don’t want to create a big scene, because I want to fit in. But I don’t want to drink this either.

Michael, being my hero, sees this and says, “Actually, sorry Randy, but we’re going to go inside.”

“Aw come on! Stay out here! Drink some beer! Let loose!” Randy says.

“No, I’m sorry, but we’re not going to do that. Maybe another time. Bye.” Michael says.

We go back in the school and Michael asks, “Do you want to maybe go to the front with me? It’s quieter there.  I kind of feel like just talking.”

“Sure,” I answer.

We go outside. “Here, put my jacket on. It’s cold outside,” Michael says.

“Are you sure?” I ask.

“I’m sure,” Michael says.

We sit on a bench in silence for a few minutes with the slight echo of music blasting from the gym.

I notice him staring at me. “What?” I say.

“It’s just that you’re so beautiful Ella.” Michael says.

“Thanks Michael,” I reply.
“You’re welcome.” he smiles. “Okay, do you want to know the real reason I stopped you from drinking the beer? My mom was an alcoholic all her life. We’ve been through terrible ups and downs all my life, and I don’t want the same thing for you. Ella, I know you said you don’t believe in love. I know. I don’t know why. You never told me, but I think I’ve fallen for you. I know we haven’t known each other for that long, but I feel so comfortable around you. You brighten my day. I know, if you don’t believe in love, it will never go anywhere, but I just needed you to know in case there’s a slight chance you’ll change your mind about believing in love.”

Oh…..My…..God. Did I hear him right? Did he really just say he loves me? Did he really just say he’s in love with me?

“Michael, I don’t know what to say. My dad is also an alcoholic. I know how hard it is. When I was five years old my brother was looking after me. My mom and dad were out on a date. My dad had drank too much and was driving home with my mom. He went through a red light and a massive truck slid right into them. My mom and dad had to go straight to the hospital. They were doing fine, and it was almost time for them to go home, when my mom’s body gave up. My dad took the woman’s life who he said he was in love with, yet he survived. That’s when he started drinking heavily. Now he’s a heavy alcoholic. That’s the reason I say I don’t believe in love. But, boy, it’s hard not to believe in love with you. Maybe you could be the one exception to that rule…” I say.

“Ella, I didn’t know. I’m so sorry. That’s a good reason to not believe in love, but everyone has their own life stories. Everyone creates a story. Our story doesn’t have to end in tragedy. Do you maybe want to dance?” Michael says.

“Sure,” I say. We start dancing in a really close embrace.

All of a sudden, almost as if it was magic ‘The Only Exception’ by Paramore started playing:

Darlin…
you are the only exception
you are the only exception
you are the only exception
you are the only exception


maybe I know somewhere
deep in my soul
that love never lasts
and we’ve got to find other ways
to make it alone
keep a straight face
and I’ve always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance
and up until now i had sworn to myself that I’m content with loneliness
because none of it was ever worth the risk

well you are the only exception
you are the only exception
you are the only exception
you are the only exception


I’ve got a tight grip on reality
but i can’t let go of what’s in front of me here

I sing along to Michael.

It starts to rain and he pulls me in closer. For a while we dance in silence with the rain hitting our heads and the echoing of the music in the gym.

Finally I can’t take it anymore. I look up at him. He looks down at me and in that moment my heart longs to kiss him. To feel what his lips feel like against mine.

We both lean in to kiss each other. My first kiss. One more kiss than I thought I was ever going to receive. His lips are soft and warm. It’s an incredible feeling. It lasts for 5 seconds. We look at each other and smile and lock lips again. This time it’s rougher. It lasts longer, and I have a huge adrenaline rush throughout my body.

I’m happy I waited this long for my first kiss. It was more special. The rain made it dramatic too.

He looks at me and says, “Ella, I love you.”

“I love you too Michael,”  I say.

I never ever thought I’d be telling a guy I loved him. I never thought I’d be falling in love. It’s an amazing feeling.

“Will you be my girlfriend Ella?” Michael asks.

My heart begins to pound. My cheeks probably went from a light pink to a deep red in seconds. “Yes!” I say.

Wow, Me, Ella Thomas, has a boyfriend. It’s almost shocking, but it’s amazing. I guess I gave into my rule about not believing in love. I wouldn’t believe in love with anybody else but Michael.

Michael drives me home and tells me he’ll call me in the morning.


The Terrible Truth


Michael and I are like a perfect couple, if there is such a thing. We are always there for each other, make each other laugh and smile, tell each other secrets, and, of course, there’s the physical things like perfect kisses, that feel just like the first kiss and hugs. It was all so intense that I forgot to call Katie for a week.

One Saturday morning after an amazing Friday movie night with Michael, Katie called me. “Hey, Katie! Sorry, I completely forgot to call you for a while! I’ve just had so much going on! Guess what?”


“What?” she doesn’t sound like the usual happy Katie I know.

“Michael and I went to the dance! It was great, but I really should have taken your advice about what to wear! Most girls weren’t actually wearing low cut dresses. I’m sorry I didn’t take your advice. Anyway, I know I said I don’t believe in love all my life after my mom was killed, but Michael is an exception. He’s amazing, and so nice and kind, and he asked me out! I said yes! He’s been my boyfriend since last Friday night!” I excitedly say.

“That’s great Ella…” Katie says.

“That’s it! What’s wrong Katie? You don’t sound like you usually sound. You sound so sad and depressed. You’re normally so happy!” I say.

“That’s the thing Ella…….Through all the times you’ve talked to me on the phone since you moved, which isn’t that often, and you promised you’d call me every night. You never once stopped to ask me how I’m feeling. All, you’ve cared about is how you’re feeling. You this…..you that…….That’s great you made new friends; that’s great you have a boyfriend now, but what about me? Who am I hanging out with since you moved? What’s going on in MY life?” Katie shouts.

“Katie-” I try to say.

Katie interrupts, “I’m not hanging out with anybody since you moved, and this time I’m not blending in with the walls like I did for my whole life before I met you. This time people are making fun of me so much it gets to the extent where I don’t even want to be alive anymore. It doesn’t help hearing how happy you are, or how many friends you made, or your new boyfriend. That doesn’t help. It makes things worse. I miss you so much! The old you, who didn’t give a crap about how others viewed you. Now you became popular. I just called to let you know I’ve attempted suicide once now. It was yesterday. I just can’t bare my life anymore. I can’t live this life. I’m going to end my life as soon as I can, even if it means putting a gun to my head. I’m so sorry Ella……. Remember I love you, and you’re a great friend. I know you have a great future ahead of you.” Katie hangs up the phone.

Shivers run down my spine. Oh my God what have I done? This is all my fault. My best friend is committing suicide and it’s all my fault. She doesn’t need to die. She doesn’t have health problems. She’s choosing to end her life. Why? I can’t do this anymore. I don’t know what to do.

I collapse on my bed in tears. I can’t stop crying.

Memorial


I lost my best friend that day. I lost the most important friend I had. The friend I’ve known the longest; the friend who’s birthday came right after mine, and we would often have shared parties, the friend I could share embarrassing stories with; the friend I had through puberty (like when periods started), the friend I could count on the most. Now she’s gone just like that. I often think I’ll wake up from this nightmare and we’ll be at the candy shoppe they have down the block from where we lived getting our favourite, cola balls, and just sitting, watching the clouds go by at the park. Sometimes I wonder what Heaven is like. Is life really worth living when there’s a Heaven? What hurt Katie so much to have to end her life? Was this depression going on before I moved and I just didn’t notice it?
I’m at her memorial now, back in my old town. My old town feels so empty and alien-like since Katie committed suicide. I feel like it’s been years since I’ve been here last. All my favourite things about this town I shared with Katie.

Her memorial goes by slowly. I feel like I’m in a cloud, or a mist of fog. I feel like I’m not really here, like an out of body experience. This isn’t really me and this isn’t really my friend Katie’s memorial. I’m somebody else and Katie is somebody else. I never moved to Seattle and right now Katie and I are sitting in my room eating pop rocks and watching a movie.

The funeral service is over and everyone is hugging each other and crying. This is my least favourite part about funerals. I don’t want to cry in front of these people I don’t know very well. I only like crying by myself. I tend to hide my feelings a lot.

The Mistake Breakup


It’s a Friday night. I’m in bed dressed in sweat pants and a tank top with my hair tied up and no makeup on. I’m cutting my wrists. I started doing that to cope with the pain. Usually I’d be at the movies or a restaurant with Michael tonight, but I broke up with him the day after Katie’s memorial. I realized it was my fault Katie committed suicide. I was too excited about my own life; I didn’t even care about Katie’s. If I hadn’t been dating Michael, this never would have happened. Michael was so hurt. I could see the look on his face when I broke up with him. It killed me to see him look so sad.

Suddenly I hear a knock on the door. “Yes?” I ask.

“Ella? Can I talk to you?” George asks.

“Just a minute George,” I say.

One good thing came out of all of this. George knew how heartbroken I was after Katie committed suicide. He said he knew how he needed to be here for me and that’s why  he was trying to quit drinking. So far he’s been sober; the longest he’s been sober in over 9 years.

I walk out of my room. “Yes George?” I ask.

“I just wanted to ask you why I haven’t been seeing much of Michael anymore,” George
says.

“I broke up with him. It was my fault Katie committed suicide. I wasn’t being fair to Katie. I was spending all my time with Michael, and I was so focused on my life I forgot to ask her about hers until it was too late. I don’t deserve Michael,” I say while breaking into tears.

I realize this is the most I’ve ever said to George in a long time.

“Oh, Ella. I’m so sorry. It’s not your fault. There must have been a larger problem than you paying a little more attention to yourself than normal. Katie must have had some real problems. Suicide is never anybodies fault,” He says while hugging me.

The last time George ever hugged me was when I was 5 years old and Tyler, the class bully, ruined my picture I worked really hard on making. I cried in Georges arms just like I’m doing now.

“I didn’t just lose Katie. I lost my mother. Maybe suicide is never anybodies fault, but who’s fault was it that mom died?” my voice turning sour as I ask that through my tears.

“Ella, I always blamed myself for your mother dying. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t. You’re mother was the most beautiful, kindest, funniest woman I’ve ever met. She was everything to me, and just one bad choice I made ended her life. It was so hard for me so I turned to drinking. Now I’m an alcoholic and I always will be. You broke up with Michael, but you need him in your life. You need somebody to help you through these bad times,” George said.

At that moment I realized I resented my dad for years without knowing how he felt about everything. How did he feel every morning when he woke up and every night when he went to bed knowing what happened to my mom was in a huge way his fault? For once I was okay with calling my dad, dad, just dad, not George. I then realized that I turned to cutting, like my dad turned to drinking. I didn’t want to completely depend on cutting. I could stop now before it’s not too hard or wait until it’s almost impossible. I decided to stop now.


The Apology


The next day I call Michael. “Hello?” he answers.

“Hi, Michael. Could you come over? I need to talk to you.”

“Sure Ella. I’ll be there soon,” he says.

Fifteen minutes later Michael arrives. “Hey, want to go the store, get some cola balls, and gaze at the clouds?” I ask.

“Okay. Sounds like fun,” Michael says.

We’ve been laying in the grass for 15 minutes now with neither of us saying a word. I’m the one to break the silence. “Listen, Michael, I’m so sorry. My dad made me realize it wasn’t my fault Katie committed suicide. I need you now in my life more than ever. I just need somebody there for me,” I say.

“It’s okay Ella. I know it’s hard. Well, no, actually I don’t know. I’ve never had a friend commit suicide, but I imagine it would be terrible. I’m there for you any time you need a shoulder to cry on,” Michael said.

“Thanks Michael, but are you willing to possibly take me back?” I ask.

“Yes, Ella, I would love to take you back,” Michael says.

Welcome To My Life Now


I am now 22 years old. I wrote this story of my life to educate others on issues like depression, stereotypes, addictions, peer pressure, self harm, and suicide. I’ve gone through a lot, but if it weren’t for people like my dad and Michael, I never would have survived the toughest of times. Michael and I are now engaged. We will be getting married in the summer. There are times now where I feel like I just want to crawl in a black hole and die, but as long as I always have people I can depend on I’ll always be okay.